The exploitation of the elves

We're all familiar with Santa's elves. Little men and women in green, hammering away happily, day and night, in his workshop. We all know Hermey, who wanted to be a dentist, and Jovie from Elf who was sexualized singing in the shower. (Just one of the reasons I don't let my kids watch the so-called classic. I'm sure you can guess the other reason but if you can't don't worry—I’ll be writing about it shortly). The point is that elves are an admirable, captivating and intriguing bunch who have come to play an essential role in the Christmas canon. Unfortunately, their depiction as happy-go-lucky laborers languishing under the thumb of a celebrity-entrepreneur with an authoritarian bent has devastating real world implications.

Look around. We are in the midst of a struggle between workers and the ruling class and we are getting our dicks kicked in. Rent is up, groceries are up, every streaming service is now $20, ads included. We want opportunity. We want change. Yet we continue clinging to the same stories. Old stories, outdated stories, dangerous stories—stories that keep us where the powers that be want us. And every year we tell the story of Santa Claus and the elves who dutifully serve him, even as the gap between rich and poor grows and grows and CEOs continue to take home record pay.

Do we respect labor rights in this country or do we not? Do we actually give a fuck about workers? If you respect the writers that write your dumb little television shows and the autoworkers who build your stupid oversized trucks and the nonbinary baristas who make your overpriced oversweetened iced Venti peppermint mocha lattes, then maybe you should consider changing your Christmas narrative to one that doesn't romanticize the thankless and grueling labor of a veritable underclass.

Seriously, enough of the fucking elf shit. It's not cute. It's not funny. No more elf hats, no more elf slippers, no elf ornaments, statues or figurines. No movies with elves in them. You’re not celebrating Christmas, you’re celebrating exploitation. Don't you get it? Santa's Elves, the Munchkins, Oompa Loompas--it's all the same.

Real world parallels to the North Pole Elf are everywhere in the United States. His plight peculiarly mirrors that of the American Amazon worker in that both toil thanklessly and continuously in order to make your family's Christmas oh so perfect. It is now the norm in our culture to spot these Amazon drivers working into the wee hours of Christmas morning, driving around in the dark and the ice to drop a present at your door, while your family sleeps comfortably and warmly, your daughter awaiting Santa and you awaiting that present you ordered just 24 hours ago, December 24 be damned. Many of these drivers are so downtrodden that they can't help but double park and weave recklessly all over the road, yet we have the nerve to curse them and track their every move with our phones. This is the inhumane world of mass consumption and economic disenfranchisement that you are all facilitating with not only your wallets but your narratives—and it starts in Santa's workshop.

Do elves get vacation? Do they get sick days? PTO? What about benefits? Maternity leave? In my house they are unionized, and OSHA has an office in the North Pole. Let's craft a narrative in which the elves are appreciated and held in high esteem—not one in which they are simple cogs in a vast, unforgiving and all-consuming industrial machine. It's time to do away with the capitalist myth-making, from the Chocolate Factory to the North Pole.

You knew it was going to come up eventually. Let's talk mistletoe—and consent.