Elf on the Shelf and the march to fascism

In recent years an insidious phenomenon has taken root as a sort of quasi-Christmas tradition in many households across the country. It emerged as a strictly Gen X parent phenomenon, and in part helps to explain why their offspring is so damaged in so many different ways. I also know from discussions with other parents that my wife and I are one of few couples who refuse to take part in what many consider a harmless game. The game is Elf on the Shelf.

My mom actually had a few of these elves when I was growing up but they had no story attached to them. They just straddled the banister with vacant stares. Now they have a whole backstory and have entrenched themselves into our Christmas and cultural lore in a way that is deeply harmful.

According to goodhousekeeping.com, the Elf on Shelf is Santa's agent, one who is sent to the child's house to literally surveil the child in preparation for Christmas. The elf appears in a different spot each day, with evidence of his overnight shenanigans left behind. He bakes cookies, he eats cereal, he sets up a satellite in a remote corner of the backyard to report back to Santa your 6-year-old daughter’s every move. Several publications describe the Elf on the Shelf as Santa's first and foremost Scout—a term whose distinct military connotations should chill any educated parent to the bone.

The simple truth is that the Elf on the Shelf perpetuates and expands upon the surveillance state that Santa Claus first normalized many years ago. It's bad enough that we teach children that "he sees you when you're sleeping" and hold their behaviors hostage to the falsities of the Naughty-Nice Binary (more on this later). No, the capitalists crave control and power and money so much that they make up a story, they concoct this agent of Santa, and they force him into the home—into the sanctuary of a child—to remind him he is being watched. And you spend $15 to buy a fucking baking sheet for it. That is so Orwellian it's not even funny.

The Elf on the Shelf is not jut a spy but inherently and brazenly antidemocratic actor. His presence teaches our young and most impressionable that if they want to be rewarded materially, thus, if they want to be happy, they must consent to being monitored every second of the day. This intrusion and invasion into their lives is not only acceptable but desired. The passive consumer is, after all, paramount. Just know that when your child wakes up on the first day of December and screams with joy to see the Elf peering down from the ceiling fan, Facebook and Google are smiling. Today it's Elf on the Shelf, tomorrow it's the Echo Dot, and then, eventually, the secret police.

Speaking of Santa's elves, let's talk about what their struggle means for labor rights in this country.